behind the scenes, humor


When I dictate my office visit notes, I use a voice-recognition system called Dragon Naturally Speaking.  It’s pretty amazing.  I talk pretty fast, and for the most part it keeps up with me.  Because I have the medical version, it’s also pretty good at picking up medical terms and drug names.  I mean, who would expect it to accurately pick up the word “hydrochlorothiazide?”  But it does!

Even so, I do pick up some pretty funny transcriptions at times.  Here are some of my favorites:

1. “The patient is a 53-year-old woman who presents for the above reason. She was using a Q-tip to clean her uterus on Saturday. She states that somehow it slipped and she felt it puncture her eardrum.”

Wow, that’s one long Q-tip!  Now, I’m really not sure how I said “ear” and it heard “uterus”…

2.  She also saw Dr. cystoscopy for a skin check.” 

This one is where having the medical version of the program got me in trouble.  A “cystoscopy” is a type of procedure done in the office, and people often say “cysto” for short.  Unfortunately, a local dermatologist is named “Dr. Sisto.”  Dragon thought it was being helpful…not so much.

3.  “Since her discharge, Mrs. X has basically 24-hour a day help with shopping, cleaning and cocaine and she is doing quite well.”

I’m not even sure what this was supposed to be.  I think it was “cooking,” but I can virtually guarantee that Mrs. X does not have 24 hour a day help doing cocaine.

4.  “MEDICATIONS: Penthouse, Avodart, Pradaxa, Lyrica, tramadol”  

Now, I said that it was pretty good at picking up medication names, but clearly it isn’t perfect.  Unless “Penthouse” is the new substitute for Viagra.

5.  “allergic rhinitis: Restart her on Aricept and patent anus”

Another medication problem.  This should have been “Allegra and Patanase.”  But it’s always good if an anus is patent.

6.  “Examination of the face reveals prominent feces”


7.  “Here for preoperative evaluation at the request of Dr. pelican running”  

You can add people’s name to Dragon and it learns to recognize them, but clearly it needs to practice a bit more with Dr. Pallatroni.

8. “She is continuing to have chronic dry, tight cough. She SpaghettiOs intermittently for the past several years.”

No idea what this was supposed to be, but I have never, ever had the occasion to dictate the word “SpagettiOs”.

9.  “Examination of the ear showed a sperm impaction.”

Er.  No.  That was supposed to be “cerumen impaction” (otherwise known as ear wax).

10.  “He also tells me that he accidentally was using the wrong size noodles instead of the longer ones that I had prescribed.”

Well, no wonder his diabetes wasn’t controlled!  You can’t inject insulin using noodles!  

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